Thank you Inifithoughts

Last 6 months have been horrible. I’ve been thinking that I’ve started realizing my life very late. Here goes few of the realization that I thought I made in the last 6 months.

I’ve always been someone who’s struggled chasing something or the other and I’ve always been that person who fails after all the struggle, that someone who fails after almost being there. The first observation that I made out was – “I’ve never got anything I’ve wished for in life“. As I belong to this smart species of Homo sapiens, I did not stop with the observation alone. I made up that I will never get anything I want in life. The obvious next question that I asked myself was – If I won’t get anything I want in life, why should I even try?

Life turned pathetic the moment I sowed this question in my mind. I was fighting myself in everything I did. I started cursing the maker (If at all there is one) as to why should my life be designed such, that despite knowing I won’t be there, I should still run. I’d even successfully convinced myself to not wish for anything as I would not get the wish granted anyways. I thought this particular decision would save me from disappointments. The other reason that convinced me of this decision was that – though I’ve never got what I’ve wished for, life has always presented me with something better than what I’ve wished. I thought, as life has always presented me with what is best for me, why should I wish for something smaller than what I would eventually get.

But then life turned boring. The life started lacking in purpose. There are certain aspects in life where there is nothing better than what you wish to have. There are certain elements in life that you can not rate whether it is good/better/best. You would just want it the way you wish you want it. Even if it means you would have to go through difficult times, you would want to go through them because that is how you wish to live your life. I’ve been cribbing about it with my friends. Many even tried to pacify me by saying that everyone goes through such times in life. Many of my good friends even reminded me of my own lines – “No forces. Let things happen”. But then it was getting too difficult for me.

Last weekend, I picked Infinithoughts from a store by chance. I read through few pages that brought in some positive changes. It helped me forget about these haunting questions for a week and I’m already a happier person with the sequence of events over the last one week. Today I realize its not a good idea to be data warehousing my life. Today I promise myself, I won’t change the way I life my Life. I would rather go through disappointments than living a boring life.

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Happy Father’s Day

You could be seeing a few lines from one of my old posts. But, this post needs those lines..

 

It just looks like yesterday when my mom came to school, got permission to take me home post lunch. I went home and found my dad sleeping with his legs injured. I wanted to wake him up and play with him. Mom told me that dad had met with an accident driving his new Rajoot (a Bullet look-alike) and he was taking rest. I asked my mom why she brought me home as I was missing a PTE (Playing time) at school that day and dad was not up to playing with me. (Poor kid, didn’t realize that it was PTE all the time at home). My dad stopped driving bike from that day, I’m driving Avenger today (again, a Bullet look-alike).

It just looks like yesterday when me and my sister were playing with a small snake (my dad says it was king cobra. But I don’t remember what we were playing with. All I remember now is a small tube) in front of our house. My dad, shocked seeing us play with a snake, threw a stone at the snake from a good distance (It was difficult given the fact that we were sitting close to the snake) and managed to move it. There was a quarrel at home between my dad and mom after this incident. This happened in my 2nd grade.

It just looks like yesterday when I spent my summer vacation at my cousin’s place. We played carrom at their place. On getting back home after the vacation, I was expecting my dad to get me a carrom board. I never asked him to get me one. I still don’t understand how I expected him to get me one that day, without having asked for one. On seeing him come home without a carrom board, I threw a tumbler at his forehead (a direct hit). Though I got a carrom board the next day, I think I did leave a mark (on my dad’s forehead). This happened in my 2nd grade.

I’m 26 today. A lot of other sweet and bitter memories exist. I can go on and on. There is one bitter part that keeps disturbing me.

I don’t remember since when I started arguing with my dad. But all I remember from our conversations over the last 8-10 years are full of arguments. When there is a discussion at home with me and dad in it, my mom and sister would be in for good entertainment. All said and done- every argument won or lost – we stand in support of each other.

All this reminds me of a scene from a Tamil movie “Aaranya Gaandam”, where the hero asks the little kid – “Do you like your dad so much?”, with the little kid replying – “Nothing of that sort. But he is my DAD!!”

I know why I was clapping in theatre for this dialogue. I was able to relate to the kid. Yes, we could have fought over every silly thing; we might keep fighting for every other silly thing. But he is my DAD. Here is to you – wishing you enough – Happy Father’s day!!

Moments that you never own!!!

How many times have your mind saved a clip of a moment from your life as a memorable one? How many picturesque moments have your mind captured to cherish the rest of your life? How many times have you played those clips from your memory to relive those moments? How many times have you played them over and over again? How many times have you run a slide show of those memorable pictures from your memory to revisit those times? Then there would be times that break everything. You would want to forget everything. You struggle to move on. How many such memorable clips have you destroyed? How many such memorable pictures have you torn? How many times have you begged with yourself to erase such clips and pictures from your memory so as to stay peaceful. Why does all these happen? Because, we are human beings and our mind is so powerful and quick that it can not stay calm for a second. It assumes. It manipulates. It derives meanings. And who suffers?

Again, why would all these happen? We never think flat. We either think positive or negative. We’re either optimistic or pessimistic. Any thing that we look at, we start deriving meanings out of everything – the timing of the moment, the gestures, the words and what not? We derive meaning out of everything. When we look at it positively, we derive positive things to keep ourself happy. That is how we collect memorable clips and pictures. When we look at it negatively, we derive negative meanings that break trust, relationship and our peace of mind.

What if you get to know all that is supposed to happen in future. What if you know that you would ultimately destroy all your memorable clips and pictures in future. Would you have saved them in the first place? But, is there a way to know the future. I think the best possible way around is to think flat, to play down moments. You never own any moment. You may be leaving behind legacy, but never own a moment. The moment that you think you own, are assumed to be owned by many others as well. We never own any moment. In fact, we don’t even own our life!!

8 Months away from this space

Yes, the title of the post says it all. It is going to be about what has kept me away from this space in the last 8 months. In the last 8 months, I visited Kumbakonam once ( very nice place), took up the role of Project Lead at work (don’t know for good or bad) , Played cricket, shuttle, volley ball during weekends (in my attempt to lose weight), lost 8 KGs and then gained 2 KGs of weight, watched India lose to England and Conquer Autralia, spent a lot of time on phone, excel, ppt, people and a month on Java too. The frequency with which my close buddies meet have dropped, but we stay in touch – thanks to whatsapp, google hangout. Two of my close pals flew away, 1 got engaged, 1 switched job. At the end of these 8 months, I miss something. Something that keeps me carry a heavy heart. Certainly not blogging. I’d never felt bad about not visiting this space. I knew I belong to this space and would come back anytime. I don’t know what it is. I don’t feel like knowing what it’s been. All I want is to feel light again. Today, I’m meeting my buddies and tomorrow I’m going off to Madurai. I hope I come back light and fresh.

I believe in signs

The weekend that followed my visit to the college campus was great. I was on a high. On that Sunday night, I had even updated my status with – “Charged up for the week ahead!!”, with one of my friends liking that status update. I was really charged up for the week ahead. But what was waiting for me was a horrifying truth, a truth that I’ve always been aware of, but have always chosen to ignore. I was slapped with a reminder on the very truth on the very first day of that week.  I spent the rest of the week in a confused state (nothing new for me). This confusion continued its stay with me through that weekend, till I started reading one of the books I picked up the following Monday. That Monday, I went to office with thoughts wandering. I don’t know what lead me to the book store after our lunch that day. I was flipping through a few books in that store and decided to buy 2 from the shop.

That Monday night, after getting back home, I spent reading around 50 pages of one of the books.  I felt it was too late, bookmarked exactly the 50th page of the book and hit the bed. I was still thinking of what I could think of, of what I’ve read in the book till then. There was a line in the book – “Routine is a slow poison”. In a few minutes, I had lot of reasons to blame the whole world. I didn’t know when I slept off. The next morning I woke up, all the more convinced that the whole world is forcing me on a routine and I’m not liking it. As part of the morning Routine, I was searching for a shirt and pant to iron. I was looking for a yellow striped shirt and wasn’t getting it. To my surprise, I found a blue striped shirt which I normally wear every Monday. I was wondering how this shift was available on a Tuesday and why I didn’t wear it the previous day. Only then I realized that it was my dad who ironed my shift the previous day. Only then I realized that I Have forced myself on a routine for the last few years. The rest of the day was spent trying to recall the different routines I’ve forced upon myself all through these years. This weekend, I had an invite from my parents to travel to Madurai. I hesitated a bit. I wanted to play cricket. This has also been a routine for a few years. I’ve been playing cricket every other weekend. So I spent this weekend at Madurai and my status update this Saturday morning was – “Weekend @ Madurai.”

A Visit to a College Campus

The month of August has started well for me. Or rather, that is how I feel. On 31st of July, I got an email seeking nominations to visit colleges to address the students, representing the organization I work for. In hindsight I wanted to nominate myself, but I was looking for a company. Fortunately one of my teammates also wanted to nominate.  So both of us nominated our names. We were asked to visit a college at Kodambakkam on Thursday, 2nd of August. We were at college early in the morning. The placement officer at the college received us, arranged for the session. I felt really happy to be in a college campus, a place where one spends the best part of his/her life. It reminded me of my college days. The session went for around 1 hr 15 minutes. It was so satisfying to see a lot of enthusiastic faces listening to what we had for them. I ended the session with a short story. It was a satisfying experience to be completing your one and half hour session with a lot of smiling faces still glued to what you had to say. That day, I had a question for myself – Is this something that would keep me happy if I continue?