Last 6 months have been horrible. I’ve been thinking that I’ve started realizing my life very late. Here goes few of the realization that I thought I made in the last 6 months.
I’ve always been someone who’s struggled chasing something or the other and I’ve always been that person who fails after all the struggle, that someone who fails after almost being there. The first observation that I made out was – “I’ve never got anything I’ve wished for in life“. As I belong to this smart species of Homo sapiens, I did not stop with the observation alone. I made up that I will never get anything I want in life. The obvious next question that I asked myself was – If I won’t get anything I want in life, why should I even try?
Life turned pathetic the moment I sowed this question in my mind. I was fighting myself in everything I did. I started cursing the maker (If at all there is one) as to why should my life be designed such, that despite knowing I won’t be there, I should still run. I’d even successfully convinced myself to not wish for anything as I would not get the wish granted anyways. I thought this particular decision would save me from disappointments. The other reason that convinced me of this decision was that – though I’ve never got what I’ve wished for, life has always presented me with something better than what I’ve wished. I thought, as life has always presented me with what is best for me, why should I wish for something smaller than what I would eventually get.
But then life turned boring. The life started lacking in purpose. There are certain aspects in life where there is nothing better than what you wish to have. There are certain elements in life that you can not rate whether it is good/better/best. You would just want it the way you wish you want it. Even if it means you would have to go through difficult times, you would want to go through them because that is how you wish to live your life. I’ve been cribbing about it with my friends. Many even tried to pacify me by saying that everyone goes through such times in life. Many of my good friends even reminded me of my own lines – “No forces. Let things happen”. But then it was getting too difficult for me.
Last weekend, I picked Infinithoughts from a store by chance. I read through few pages that brought in some positive changes. It helped me forget about these haunting questions for a week and I’m already a happier person with the sequence of events over the last one week. Today I realize its not a good idea to be data warehousing my life. Today I promise myself, I won’t change the way I life my Life. I would rather go through disappointments than living a boring life.
How many times have your mind saved a clip of a moment from your life as a memorable one? How many picturesque moments have your mind captured to cherish the rest of your life? How many times have you played those clips from your memory to relive those moments? How many times have you played them over and over again? How many times have you run a slide show of those memorable pictures from your memory to revisit those times? Then there would be times that break everything. You would want to forget everything. You struggle to move on. How many such memorable clips have you destroyed? How many such memorable pictures have you torn? How many times have you begged with yourself to erase such clips and pictures from your memory so as to stay peaceful. Why does all these happen? Because, we are human beings and our mind is so powerful and quick that it can not stay calm for a second. It assumes. It manipulates. It derives meanings. And who suffers?
Again, why would all these happen? We never think flat. We either think positive or negative. We’re either optimistic or pessimistic. Any thing that we look at, we start deriving meanings out of everything – the timing of the moment, the gestures, the words and what not? We derive meaning out of everything. When we look at it positively, we derive positive things to keep ourself happy. That is how we collect memorable clips and pictures. When we look at it negatively, we derive negative meanings that break trust, relationship and our peace of mind.
What if you get to know all that is supposed to happen in future. What if you know that you would ultimately destroy all your memorable clips and pictures in future. Would you have saved them in the first place? But, is there a way to know the future. I think the best possible way around is to think flat, to play down moments. You never own any moment. You may be leaving behind legacy, but never own a moment. The moment that you think you own, are assumed to be owned by many others as well. We never own any moment. In fact, we don’t even own our life!!
Yes, the title of the post says it all. It is going to be about what has kept me away from this space in the last 8 months. In the last 8 months, I visited Kumbakonam once ( very nice place), took up the role of Project Lead at work (don’t know for good or bad) , Played cricket, shuttle, volley ball during weekends (in my attempt to lose weight), lost 8 KGs and then gained 2 KGs of weight, watched India lose to England and Conquer Autralia, spent a lot of time on phone, excel, ppt, people and a month on Java too. The frequency with which my close buddies meet have dropped, but we stay in touch – thanks to whatsapp, google hangout. Two of my close pals flew away, 1 got engaged, 1 switched job. At the end of these 8 months, I miss something. Something that keeps me carry a heavy heart. Certainly not blogging. I’d never felt bad about not visiting this space. I knew I belong to this space and would come back anytime. I don’t know what it is. I don’t feel like knowing what it’s been. All I want is to feel light again. Today, I’m meeting my buddies and tomorrow I’m going off to Madurai. I hope I come back light and fresh.
The weekend that followed my visit to the college campus was great. I was on a high. On that Sunday night, I had even updated my status with – “Charged up for the week ahead!!”, with one of my friends liking that status update. I was really charged up for the week ahead. But what was waiting for me was a horrifying truth, a truth that I’ve always been aware of, but have always chosen to ignore. I was slapped with a reminder on the very truth on the very first day of that week. I spent the rest of the week in a confused state (nothing new for me). This confusion continued its stay with me through that weekend, till I started reading one of the books I picked up the following Monday. That Monday, I went to office with thoughts wandering. I don’t know what lead me to the book store after our lunch that day. I was flipping through a few books in that store and decided to buy 2 from the shop.
That Monday night, after getting back home, I spent reading around 50 pages of one of the books. I felt it was too late, bookmarked exactly the 50th page of the book and hit the bed. I was still thinking of what I could think of, of what I’ve read in the book till then. There was a line in the book – “Routine is a slow poison”. In a few minutes, I had lot of reasons to blame the whole world. I didn’t know when I slept off. The next morning I woke up, all the more convinced that the whole world is forcing me on a routine and I’m not liking it. As part of the morning Routine, I was searching for a shirt and pant to iron. I was looking for a yellow striped shirt and wasn’t getting it. To my surprise, I found a blue striped shirt which I normally wear every Monday. I was wondering how this shift was available on a Tuesday and why I didn’t wear it the previous day. Only then I realized that it was my dad who ironed my shift the previous day. Only then I realized that I Have forced myself on a routine for the last few years. The rest of the day was spent trying to recall the different routines I’ve forced upon myself all through these years. This weekend, I had an invite from my parents to travel to Madurai. I hesitated a bit. I wanted to play cricket. This has also been a routine for a few years. I’ve been playing cricket every other weekend. So I spent this weekend at Madurai and my status update this Saturday morning was – “Weekend @ Madurai.”
The month of August has started well for me. Or rather, that is how I feel. On 31st of July, I got an email seeking nominations to visit colleges to address the students, representing the organization I work for. In hindsight I wanted to nominate myself, but I was looking for a company. Fortunately one of my teammates also wanted to nominate. So both of us nominated our names. We were asked to visit a college at Kodambakkam on Thursday, 2nd of August. We were at college early in the morning. The placement officer at the college received us, arranged for the session. I felt really happy to be in a college campus, a place where one spends the best part of his/her life. It reminded me of my college days. The session went for around 1 hr 15 minutes. It was so satisfying to see a lot of enthusiastic faces listening to what we had for them. I ended the session with a short story. It was a satisfying experience to be completing your one and half hour session with a lot of smiling faces still glued to what you had to say. That day, I had a question for myself – Is this something that would keep me happy if I continue?
I’ve not been blogging regularly these days. I don’t know why and I’m not going to give lame excuses here. Its not that I’d suddenly run out of thoughts, nor that I’d been extremely busy. Yesterday while driving back home, I was super frustrated with people changing lanes. I decided to slow down so that I could wander around. As I was driving, I was thinking of my childhood days. Suddenly my memory presented me with an image of my learning cycling. That image set me up to post this. Those were beautiful days of summer vacation. I pestered my dad to buy me a cycle and even won a cycle, but I didn’t know to pedal the cycle. For the first few days, when my cousins used to pedal their cycles, I used to run along with them with my cycle. For a week and a half, my cousins helped me learn. I wasn’t learning because it was always running at the back of my mind to watch whether they are really backing up or if they’d already left. You can not blame me because that is how I saw them learn. The person backing from behind would keep saying that they are backing up, but would have already left to test. So I was afraid. One evening, my aunt was backing up as my cousins were pedalling. I was so confident that she would be strong to back up and was excited to pedal to the speed of my cousins. It was surprising when one of my cousins crossed me and shouted with joy that I was pedalling on my own. I fell down in few minutes is another matter. My aunt told me that she never backed up and I started on my own. That evening, when I went home, I was so happy that I was cycling for a few minutes. If not for those few minutes, I would have changed my home a clinic with the wounds I had with the fall. The next morning when my cousins called me up for cycling, I was still doubtful whether to pedal or run along with them. By the end of that summer vacation, I’d already had a beautiful experience of cycling around the streets with my cousins 🙂 Sometimes I’m jealous of myself that I had the best of childhood days 🙂 I miss those beautiful days – my childhood days.
We had team lunch at Restaurant Kumarakom, Velachery, Chennai last monday. I reached the restaurant at around 12:45, parked my bike outside the restaurant and was about to call one of my colleagues when I was interrupted by a kid. The kid was carrying a handful of sketch books and was pleading me to buy one. I disconnected the call and told the kid that I have nothing to do with these books and asked her to look for someone else who would buy the books. The next few words she spoke were shocking. She said – “Bro, you need not buy any of these books. Please buy me some food. I’m starving”. Those were not easy words to digest. I got back to my senses with my mobile phone ringing. I answered the call from my colleague, looking out for the kid who was talking to me just a few minutes ago. I found the kid having already crossed the road and pleading people on the other side of the road. There was plenty of food available just a few meters away as the restaurant was nearby. Someone had hidden all this food from her eyesight. So near, yet so far.
The other day I saw a kid getting down from a yellow ferrari at the American institute situated on the same road. It feels so good to see a ferrari in Chennai. But what did this kid do that the other kid did not. How life looks so different for two kids on the same road. The road was the same, but were they heading in the same direction? Poverty at this tender age is so hard to live with.